~`~~~`'~~'~~' ~`~~~`~~~~~~~`~~~~`~ ~`~~~,~~~~'~,~~~~~,~~'~~' ~,~~~,~~~~`~~~~~~`~~~~~`~~~'~ ~~~`~~~~'~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~'~ ~~ ~`~~~~`~~~`~~~~~'~~ ~ ~`~`~~,~~~`~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~'~~ ___________________ `~~~`~ / =Hangman= / ~`~ / / ~~ /................../ ~' @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ |:...:)....:)......: ~ @-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-@ |\:.....:)....:)....: @=BoBoB=oBBoB=oBoBo=o=-=-=o=-=-=@ | \:.................: @-o-=-=-B-=-o-=-B-=-B-=-=-B-=-=-@ U\ | ~~.~.~.~.~.~~ | @=B=-=-=o=-=B=-=o=-=o=-=-=o=-=-=@ | \|_____o*oOo*o_____| @-o-oBo-BoBo=-=-B-=-B-=-=-B-=-=-@ |__U________________ U @=B=-=B=o=-=B=-=o=-=o=-=o=o=-=o=@ |\ | \| @-oBoBo-B-=-o-BoBoB-BoBoB-BoBoB-@ v_\|_________________| @=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=@ O | | @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ \ | \| - = I S S U E # 1 1 = - \v_________________v "The few, the proud, the Mujadin" O O ASCii mostly courtesy of Swiss Pope Infinitely Unreadable GRILL font-logo by Quarex, Spirit [Bobo], Ogre exSp[JANUARY 3, 1998]QuarexQuarexSwisspopeOgredelatoyaSpiritRottenzQuarex r G a CONTENTS OF ISSUE #11 OF GRILL (The Zine for Assholes): h u o Q <1> I was always a loner, because I ate cold lunch in 3rd grade r z <2> Grilling Onions, Part 1 t n <3> Example of really shitty prose, made even more pathetic by its S e computer geek literary conventions p t <4> Scientists to Knock Local Man Over i t <4> Herbal Essences Shampoo Rapes Woman r o <5> Local Paladin Commits Horrible, Horrible Crime i R <6> Grilling Onions, Part 2 t t <7> Area Man to Stick Dick in Mashed Potatoes R i <8> Fudgie Bear o r <9> Girl.txt t i <10> United States/Iraq Tensions t p <11> Movie Coming Soon e S <12> Rant & Rave about Random Things n t z rohGxerauQznettRtiripSayotaledergOepopssiwSxerauQxerauQxerauQtiripSxerauQ @-!-* Misery, my only friend @-!-* By - Quarex Since Grill #10 [and the ill-fated Grill #10.29b] came out, a lot of things have changed. I turned 19, so I can get into bars and not drink. Ah, . . . good. . . Anyway, in addition to gaining this immense prestige, I also began turning my handwriting into something far more resembling runes than English. A brief low ascii summary of my changes -- O-0, F-7, A-Delta, E-schwa, T-double-lined-T, U-V, I-1, G-6, C-[. WHOEVER FIGURES OUT THE CODE FIRST RECEIVES EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. Also, I became a complete loser with the release of Ultima Online, the game which has successfully delayed Grill for over three months now. Do any of you want to just stop reading this issue yet? I certainly do, after that opening paragraph. This issue of Grill is being written by a bunch of people who have been reading The Onion [www.theonion.com] far too often, and as a result the entire issue will read like a second-rate version of said newspaper. But, I swear that next issue we will do something original, like making fun of women or something. Speaking of women, has anyone noticed that those things are everywhere these days? I swear, I cannot go more than 50 feet in this town without seeing a woman. So enjoy this issue of Onion Rejects. Actually, there are at least two articles that have nothing to do with the Onion, so go read those if you are so inclined. On a final note, I think we need a new GRILL ascii. I want to perpetually do the font, but I just found out that three of our regular writers thought that the Grill at the top was a treasure chest [raise your hands, who else thought the same thing?], so it looks like we need a new thingy-thing with texty-blockie-poos. So make one, or die. And on another final note, this is the second smallest issue of Grill to date, due to my reluctance to beat past contributors [such as Captain Rat and Satan} with a stick and force them to write things. @*# FFFF @*& @-!-* Grilling Onions, Part 1 @-!-* By - Quarex SCIENTISTS DISCOVER HOT, COLD WATER MAKE "WARM" WATER WASHINGTON, D.C.--Scientists at the Institute of Water Safety today stumbled onto what could be the most important discovery of the 20th century, that hot water, when combined with cold water, create a new type of water tenatively being called "warm" water. This water is different from hot water in that it does not burn the skin on contact, and from cold water in that it does not freeze the skin on contact. Rather, this new type of water can create a pleasant sensation, not unlike that of a "warm" day. The millions of Americans who every day dreaded their scalding hot or morbidly cold showers can now rest easy. This new "warm" shower will provide an enjoyable atmosphere. -!- GHANA COVERED IN SHAG CARPETING DABOYA, GHANA--In what is to be the first in an extensive series of beautification programs affecting Africa, the United Nations today covered the entire state of Ghana in brightly colored shag carpeting. The purpose of this carpeting is simple, to give natives a warm place to sleep at night, as well as to give the country some atmosphere. "I believe this will add some excitement into this underdeveloped country, not to mention give it the kind of classy shot in the arm it so desperately needs," explained U.S. President Bill Clinton at a press conference Monday. Ashanti herder Timbotu Zambizi seemed ecstatic about the new carpeting. "My animals have nowhere to feed", he explained. "My whole family will die without my animals. All will perish." Further plans to cover Lesotho, Kenya, and Ethiopia with a variant of the classic brown scheme carpeting are well underway, and should be complete by the end of the month. -!- AREA TEEN ENJOYS NEARLY ALL MUSIC DES MOINES, IOWA--Area teen Dave Porter, long renowned for his chronic masturbation habit, held a recent press conference to announce his amazing outlook on different musical genres. "I listen to just about everything," Porter explained. "I don't like Rap or Country, though. Rap has no melody, it is just a guy talking over drums." Porter further explained that Country was "boring" and that the fashion in which Country singers crooned was "annoying". Upon completion of Porter's conference, word of the scathing critique of these genres spread quickly, shaking both the Rap and Country music industries to their very foundations. Death Row Records, a formerly popular rap distribution label, filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy soon afterwards. "We are fascinated by the effect Porter's opinions have had on these formerly acceptable genres of music," explained Harvard Sociologist Dr. Evan Wharton. "Porter has singlehandedly brought to the entire world's attention that these forms of music are completely invalid." When asked to comment on a few other forms of music that Porter's all-encompassing likes would include, such as Spacecore, Synthcore, and Unholy Norwegian Black Metal, Porter simply replied that he had "not yet heard any", but assumed that he "would like them." ..! FIN !.. @-!-* SCIENTISTS TO KNOCK LOCAL MAN OVER @-!-* By - Ogre De Latoya WASHINGTON, D.C.--Scientists at the United States Institute of Technology unveiled their plans to knock over local man Harry McNabb. McNabb, 32, has been knocked over several times in recent history. Each time he was seen getting back up. Scientists hope to learn what could drive this man to keep getting back up. "We think we'll learn a lot," said researcher Marty Mulhuland, "It may help other people who are knocked over to get back up on their own instead of at the aid of expensive, dangerous robots." Local officials have gone on record as being against everything good and pure. "We've seen Harry get knocked down before, and we don't think anyone will be able to keep him down. In fact, he usually manages to take a whisky drink or a vodka drink after being knocked down and getting back up again." The scientists, after knocking Harry down using a four ton iron wrecking ball, plan to then cut his head in half using a band saw. They will then scoop Harry's brains out. They think this may cause Harry some long term memory loss, but will otherwise leave everything just as it was. When Harry was asked what he thought about the scientists plan, he said simply, "I can't remember." It is hoped that these advancs in medical science will lead to increased levels of free speech, long term memory loss, and the re-advent of trickle-down theory. When asked for final thoughts on the situation, scientists said, "Drip, drip, drip, goes the water." #@# FIN #@# @-!-* EXAMPLE OF REALLY SHITTY PROSE, MADE EVEN MORE PATHETIC BY ITS @-!-* COMPUTER GEEK LITERARY CONVENTIONS @-!-* By - Swiss Pope *@#::: sorrow, infocom style *@#::: by eternal sadness you wake up with a terrible feeling ... your apartment you are in a dark room. the absence of light fills the room with darkness. > turn on light the room fills with light. > look your apartment you are in your apartment. whitewashed walls elude the synchronicity of elusive events that have transpired the night before. all that remains: a squalid mattress. atop the mattress, a used condom, a can of sprite, & a book of matches. a doorway leads out. > get sprite taken. > get matches taken. > read book of matches the cover reads: big joe's tavern. on the back cover is scrawled: julie. call me. 555-1231 there are no matches left. > cry you cry. > remember you remember what happened the night before. oh, the pain. > cry you cry. > out hallway of apartment building, 59th floor you are in the hallway. the carpet; a dirty shade of orange. the window; plexiglass. the door to your apartment is east, the stairway leading down is north. > look at me you are worthless. > cry you cry. > north staircase of apartment building, 59th floor you are on the 59th floor. you have 58 more stairs to go down. or, you could go south into the hallway. > down you trip and fall down all 58 of stairs. because you are worthless. staircase of apartment building, 1st floor you can go up the stairs or out through the door. there is a payphone here. > call 555-1231 "hello?" "uhh, hi, julie." "oh, it's you." "yeah, do you have time to talk?" "no, i kinda have someone over right now." "but julie, i love y--" > cry you have no more tears to cry. > hint you are dehydrated. > inventory you are carrying: book of matches can of sprite > drink sprite you drink the sprite. > cry [5 points] you cry. > out sidewalk by street it is raining. cars zoom by, like mechanical machines. to the west is the door to the apartment building, to the north and south is the sidewalk along the street. to the east, the middle of the street. > look pathetic i don't see 'pathetic' here. > act pathetic you act pathetic. no one notices. because you are worthless. > east middle of street you get run over by a volvo. you die. game over. . .; fin ;. . @-!-* HERBAL ESSENCE SHAMPOO RAPES WOMAN @-!-* By - Spirit ORANGE BEACH, FL--At 10:45PM last Sunday, Karen Ross was viciously attacked and raped by a bottle of Herbal Essence shampoo which she had purchased during the previous week. "The bottle was such a smooth talker. .", said Karen, a 25 year-old businesswoman, ". .but I began to realize that things were not right. After using the shampoo for a few days, I found myself taking two, three showers a day instead of one. When I came home on Sunday, the bottle tried to get me to shower again but I refused and went to bed". It was after Karen had gone to sleep that the Herbal Essence bottle entered her room and violently raped her. The hair care product, Herbal Essence, is depicted on television as being a sexually stimulating shampoo for women with the slogan "A total organic experience" tacked on at the end of the commerical. Although the president of the Herbal Essence company refused to meet us for an interview, he did happen to leave a note with his secretary stating, "There was no indication that the shampoo was capable of such an act during the product testing, but I can assure you that the bitch got what she deserved". Since Sunday, Karen has been taking one day at a time, but still suffers from the tragic scar of rape by shampoo. She plans to sue the company for the cost of her mental stress. "I hope that I can win this week's upcoming trial.", said Karen, "The women of this country need to see that shampoo, much like men, just cannot be trusted." %%% BLOOD %%% @-!-* LAWFUL GOOD PALADIN COMMITS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE CRIME @-!-* By - RottenZ DRAGONSWING, BRITANIA--Lawrence Bladesmaster, a highly charismatic paladin, shocked his campaign party by commiting a horrible, horrible crime Thursday afternoon in Ye Old Dead Orc's Tavern, deep in the treasure seekers section of Dragonswing, local guards reported last night. Bladesmaster, 20, was reportedly discussing "an offer he couldn't refuse" with a one-eyed midget in the back of the bar when, according to Duggan Axehandle, fellow party member, the lawful good paladin "lost it". "I can't understand it. . ." says the loyal Axehandle, who is the tough dwarf with a heart of gold in the party. "I mean, I'm nuetral-good, I live by my own code and all, but this was horrifying to see. He just stood up and started killing people." Grimm Nightshade, another party member, agrees. "Something like this you might expect from me. . ." the rogue commented. "If that blasted dwarf would give me back The Pendant of Scorn, that is. I tell you, one day when that little orc's whore is sleeping I'll. . . well, I just can't believe it." Sarah Goldenbow, the party's ranger, is the only one who sees it differently. "I never trusted Lawrence. . ." Sarah said in an interview conducted by magic portal earlier today. "Sure, he came across to most as a trustworthy, handsome warrior who would rescue any damsel in distress, but I saw the glint in his eyes when we'd come across a horde of treasure. The man couldn't take the pressures of his alignment, and he just snapped." Bladesmaster is being held in the local dungeon pending a formal hearing with Lord Pantine of the Paladin High Council. The Council had no comment on the matter, but experts in the alignment field say that there could be a stiff loss of experience handed down, and Bladesmaster could even be reduced to true neutral. The hearing is set for the start of the next phase of the third moon of Mistaria. @@@ FIN @@@ @-!-* Grilling Onions, Part 2 @-!-* By - Quarex MONGO TO KILL GANG MEMBER FOR BETRAYAL OF PACT UNKNOWN TERRITORY, WI--Mongo, the bald leader of the gang, is set to kill one of his gang members for betraying the pact. "We sell the drugs, we don't do the drugs", explained Mongo. Mongo will proceed to don his famed unicorn-horn helmet, upon which he will impale the head of his wayward gang member. Other gang members are expected to stay in line after this display of power. -!- QUAREX SET TO MAKE MOST OBSCURE REFERENCE EVER NORMAL, IL--Quarex, editor of the famous Garage Sale Listing, "Grill", was said to have written a story today making the most obscure reference in known history. "Basically, I stepped beyond the bounds of what I the readers of Grill could conceiveably 'get'", explained Quarex. "There is absolutely no way that anyone aside from a few very twisted individuals I know will understand what that last story meant." -!- QUAREX GETS GIRLFRIEND NORMAL, IL--Area whiner Quarex, undeterred by his long string of pathetic attempts to obtain a mate, achieved victory today in his snag of area crack whore Jenny "The Hammer" Kowalski. "Basically, Jenny just really had everything I wanted in a girl. She was attractive, and athletic. I am mature enough to get past her crack addiction, I think we can work this out together," explained Quarex. Quarex was later shot to death for even bothering to write this. -!- BAD ENGLISH TO BECOME OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF JAPAN TOKYO, JAPAN--"Believingly best choices for goodness for Japan," said Emporer of Education Toko Yakamura at a press conference. "English language speakingly raise child accurate school before." When asked to comment on how the change would be implemented into the billions of items which currently contain Japanese text, Yakamura explained that Japan is "Changing language commercially with promptness." Not all Japanese citizens agree with the new outlook. Problems with learning the new language abound. Hasai Kotimo, a middle school student, explained his difficulty in learning the language through very broken speech. "Listen to me! I sound completely incomprehensible! No-one will ever understand what I am trying to say, so long as I study this foul language!" This step completes Japan's leap into absorbing western culture. ^_^ FIN ^_^ @-!-* AREA MAN TO STICK DICK IN MASHED POTATOES @-!-* By - Ghort NORMAL, IL--Specials in the field of Thanksgiving Sociology have predicted that area man Mike Packard may stick his dick in the mashed potatoes during his family's annual Thanksgiving feast. The announcement came in response to Mike having shouted "Shit, if this gonna be that kinda party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!" earlier this week. It is not known at this time why Mike uttered this odd phrase, but many have speculated. Dr. Hannibal, of an elite research team, the "A-Team," who promptly escaped from a military stockade, has guessed Mike's statement to be a result of a misinterpretation of something his mother said last week. When asked about this, a very shaken Mrs. Packard replied, "I said something like 'This Thanksgiving, I'm going to put a couple of Gramma's sweet potatoes with brown-sugar glaze in me.' I don't know what caused him to respond the way he did." She then ran from the room, sobbing uncontrollably. Another member of the A-Team, Dr. Mr. T, postulated, "I pity the foo that don't eat my cereal!" Still others maintain that Mike is just a sick, sick boy, bent on fucking everyone's shit up. "What the shit?" Said Mike's sister Karen, glowering from across the table. At this time it is not know what this means. The A-Team is looking into it, however, and hopes to publish the results sometime next month. It remains to be seen if Mike will carry through with his promise when Thanksgiving rolls around. His family is taking extensive precautions to ensure that he does not. Extra mashed potatoes will be prepared, and Mike will be duct-taped to a chair and left in the basement in complete darkness. Mike's Uncle Bruce commented, "I'm not letting that fucking psycho anywhere near the table!" [Editor's note: Congratulations on your recent acquisition of Mr. High-paying Job, Ghort! You beat all of us!] >>> FIN <<< @-!-* Fudgie Bear @-!-* By - Spirit At first glance, it can be seen that Fudgie Bear is not a fiend. But a mask of foil can easily hide his dark secret that lurks inside. Unknowning of his untimely disgrace you pick him up off from his place, and soon you find much to distaste that Fudgie Bear has not a face. You stare into his cholocate black but which is front and which is back? And when you listen to his voice you will hear, "It's not my choice!" "Such hell I suffer", Fudgie will say, "Curse all of thee on Christmas day! You will see when the sky turns grey, that Death will come with horse and sleigh. Through forests and mountains he will race til reaching you to cut off your face!" Then laughing loudly after what he said, I mocked his plan and bit off his head. ZZZ FiN ZZZ @-!-* Girl.txt @-!-* By - RottenZ EX-BOYFRIEND WANTS YOU BACK, SAYS HE'LL CHANGE YOUR TOWN--In a press conference early Wednesday morning, Carl Makearl, your estranged ex-boyfriend and general creep, announced in an unparalleled statement of heartbreak and loneliness, detailing a point by point plan to win back your heart. The statement, read by Mr. Makearl's lawyers, claimed that he would do "anything to get you back, baby, anything." Sources close to Mr. Makearl's camp claim that he is serious about winning your heart again, despite the fact that you've filed a restraining order against him. "She's a sweet girl, but she'll probably blindly run back to him like she always does. . ." one of your good friends, who asked to remain anonymous, said yesterday. A response to your loser ex's statement is expected from you later today. -!- CUNT PROUD TO BE LAST "TRULY OFFENSIVE" WORD AUSTIN, TX--In a competition taking place in Austin today, long time taboo word "cunt" raced past assfuck and jizzlicker to be named the number one offensive word in the English language. During a post-competition ceremony, Cunt claimed that it was the last truly offensive word. "You don't see people blushing or frowning too much at all anymore. . ." A joyful, teary-eyed Cunt said. "But if you bring me up, you'll get all kinds of negative reactions. That really means a lot to me." After the speech, Cunt was awarded a medal and plaque in honor of its complete rankness and disgusting nature. A dinner for Cunt will be held at the Lyon's Club later this week. -!- [Editor's note -- RottenZ wrote three articles for this issue of Grill that were, within two weeks, appearing in the Onion, albeit in a slightly different form. This story, too, somewhat appeared in a recent edition of the Onion, but it still warranted inclusion] EVIL WINS EARTH--In an unprecedented move earlier this week, Evil shocked experts by rushing past Good in complete and utter victory, leaving the reminants of the side of Good broken and bloody at Evil's feet. Experts had always assumed that the battle between Good and Evil was never ending, but that theory died with most of the experts early yesterday morning. Sources close to Evil said that they were just getting "fed up" with the whole ordeal, and that maybe it was actually time to do something about the age old stalemate. "We were just tired of Good's constant whining," said Jim Thorton, secretary of Evil, in a press conference celebrating the victory this afternoon. "So we finally rose up and basically smashed all their skulls and ripped out their eyes. Oh yes. Many genitals were gashed into gore by these hands over the last few days." Good's last ditch effort, the solitary voice of one girl singing a song of joyous hope and harmony to the encroaching Evil army, failed miserably. The girl was apparently eaten. Evil will detail its new system of horrible and cruel rule with no hope of salvation in a press conference tomorrow. *!#$ FIH!#(# $* @-!-* United States/Iraq Tensions @-!-* By - Quarex WASHINGTON, D.C.--Emotions flared today in the White House as Bill Clinton completed his latest sortee to Terra, only to find that all the colonists had been taken a few minutes earlier by Saddam Hussein. "This is a major setback for the American People," explained Clinton in a press conference soon after the chilling discovery. "Without colonists, we will be unable to procure the precious fuel ore, organics, and equipment we require to flourish in this cold universe. This is to say nothing of the fighters we will lose due to a lack of population." Iraq's response came in the form of a galactic announcement, reading simply "The Stardock is in Sector 393". No word from the U.S. camp as to how this information can pertain to the situation at hand. The United States did strike a heavy blow earlier, however, when Tariq Aziz's Taurean Mule was DESTROYED by some mines in sector 84. Purportedly, Aziz had been speaking to the old trader at the Stardock shortly before his death, it is unknown at press time what he may have learned. A recent gallup poll showed some startling figures. Rank Alignment Corp Trader Name Ship Type --- --------------------- -- --------------------- ---------------- 1 18,281 47,372 1 Bill Clinton Merchant Cruiser 2 10,933 -182,002 2 Saddam Hussein Corporate Flagship 3 7,112 -10,381 2 Tariq Aziz *** Escape Pod *** 4 4,029 4,922 1 Madeline Albright Scout Marauder 5 32 1 ** Casper Weinberger # Ship Destroyed # *#* FIN *#* @-!-* Movie Coming Soon @-!-* Story by Film Journalist [Spirit] Dedicated fans of Previously Released Movie and Other Movie are eagerly awaiting the coming of Movie. Movie, directed by Director and starring Actor is expected to be out by projected date. Production Company is hoping that Movie's sales will fall around estimated gross income. With the costly construction of a 120 foot thing and the extremely expensive special effect, Movie will have to do at least that well. Many are anticipating director's vision of Movie's script. Movie depicts the true story of Person, who is played by Actor, and Other Person, played by African-American Actress. The script was conceived by writer and deals with conflict which ultimately leads to resolution. Story takes place in area during time period which reflects a period of distinct emotion. "Actor plays the role very well", commented Director, "he will surely win the audience over with distinguishing, positive characteristic". With the upcoming release of Competing Movie, Movie is planning to push production to make it to theaters in release area first. However, sales of Movie's CD soundtrack entitled, "The Soundtrack to Movie", is already doing well. Featuring hit songs by Musical Artist and Old Musical Artist, Movie's soundtrack has held the top position on Music Chart for the past amount of time. We will see if Movie does as well in expected upcoming review. ``` '1'1 ILU341l87 LK!O*7 @-!-* Rant & Rave About Random Things @-!-* By - Quarex Today in the RANT BOX, we have a lot of things that have been either pissing me off or making me giggle lately. We will start off with the most obvious, considering the time of year it is, that being drinking on New Year's Eve. Okay, I can understand why you would want to end the year by not being totally in control of what you were doing. But why would you want to start off the new year realizing that the last thing you did the year before was be a complete idiot, foregoing any progress you may have made in the year? THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION AT ITS FINEST. I QUIT. + - + - + - + - + Though not a lot of commercials have pissed me off lately [except, of course, for Apple Jacks, but we all know how I feel about those], there are one or two that stick out in my mind as being the most awful bullshit I have ever seen. One such example are the ever-present commercials for the Army, going something like "This is for my dealer, who taught me to never accept anything but the best shit". I suppose it is okay for some people to think that the Army somehow makes you into a better person, but examine the facts. Even in the commercials, the fact that you no longer have any free will is clearly demonstrated. Why is a lack of free will a good thing, again? We, as Americans, are apparently supposed to strive to finally reach the point where we will do anything for an idiot with a few more stripes on his jacket. "The military taught me tolerance and respect!" yell some. In that case, why is it that males in the military are twice as likely to be alcoholics, as well as commit domestic violence? Does that sound like tolerance or respect to you? Do not even MAKE me start on those army uniforms. TACKY, TACKY, TACKY. + - + - + - + - + MTV is complete fucking trite, we all know that. However, they recently unveiled a show called "Cartoon Sushi", which is somewhat like Liquid Television, the last redeemable show on MTV [aside from Headbanger's Ball}. This is a good sign. However, the fact is, Puff Daddy appears on the channel more often now than the MTV logo itself does. Puff Daddy, aka "The Least Talented Man", has been influencing every rap and R&B artist in the scene to produce even less interesting material than they were churning out before. He even managed to make Mase, probably the most boring human being in the western hemisphere, a star. The boring style of rap was introduced by Notorious B.I.G., and has slowly been perfected by Mr. Daddy and Mase. If only bands like Wu-Tang Clan and artists like Busta Rhymes were as popular. Meanwhile, the first good MUSIC I have heard on MTV in ages is ruined by Sheryl Crow singing over it. Just try singing "I'm ugly and I can't sing" along to her Tomorrow Never Dies song during different parts, and you will find that it always fits. Also, if you ever see the Notorious B.I.G. video "Hypnotize", be sure to sing along "I'm so fat that I can't get up", which also works well. + - + - + - + - + Time for PUNS. What do Misfits do to have fun? Go danzig. Okay, maybe I should just quit now. What is the determining an after-dinner snack's flavor called? Testament. What did the English guy say when he found the way to drain the tub? Earplug! Hey Drew, you know what, you need to stop. Okay, only because every word I see I have already made a pun out of. + - + - + - + - + I recently spent about five straight weeks listening to every CD I own in alphabetical order. In that time, I only eliminated around 30 of my CDs due to their inferior quality. My question to all of you is, why did I bother mentioning this? + - + - + - + - + BACON! LEIPZIG! + - + - + - + - + Now that Windows 98 is on the horizon, it is time once again to ask ourselves if we want to stand for all this. I demand a more creative name than Windows 98, and will not buy it until I get one. I liked the beta names for them, such as Chicago and Memphis. Those would be good operating system names. Windows 3.11? Windows 95? Windows 98? How about operating system names like SEAWEED or BLUDGEONING INSTRUMENT? Yeah, there you go. + - + - + - + - + You should all try reading a book the next time an urge to watch some awful T.V. show like Seinfeld or ER hits you. If you are so inclined to watch awful T.V. such as Seinfeld or ER. I mean, Seinfeld and ER are not nearly as awful as shows such as Friends, Melrose Place, or Days of Our Lives, but I can only assume that someone who was intelligent enough to know how to read would find no joy in those shows, thus people who watched those shows would be unable to read Grill [though watch for Grill on tape, coming soon! I am lying!} + - + - + - + - + Why do I keep putting this cigarette into my mouth? I think that people honestly start smoking just because they enjoy the sensation of having a phallic object sticking out of their mouth, for all those times when they are unable to have a real phallus sticking out of their mouth. I mean, surely people would not start smoking for that great "rotting fig newton" taste or the "teeth to charcoal" effect. + - + - + - + - + After playing the game "Fallout", and being reminded of the game "Wasteland", I really think I want to go out and buy a gun. I suppose the only problem with this plan is that the kind of gun I want will not exist for another hundred years, even if it ever does exist. + - + - + - + - + I want to know why this preconceived notion of pure people such as myself seems to exist. Just going to www.armory.com/tests and examining the purity tests there will show that they consider people like myself [with my lofty high-80-percentile purity} to be pure because we are completely ignorant, not because we fucking WANT TO BE FUCKING PURE FUCKING. FUCKING. PETER PANFUCKINGTERA. + - + - + - + - + To go along with that last bit of hate, I realized the other day that I am slowly becoming the perfect Christian man, since I basically follow all the Christian virtues, though in my own warped way. Of course, I still want to shit on God's face and rip Jesus up with a chainsaw, but at least I exemplify what their religion considers a good man. + - + - + - + - + This issue of Grill was supposed to be out in late September of 1997. However, when I slightly procrastinated on September 30, and was met with Ultima Online in the mailbox the next day, I should have realized that Grill's future was temporarily doomed. The fact that Grill #11 is coming out at all is a surprise, since right now I would be playing Ultima Online were I not getting some pretty bad lag on my favorite server. Ah, unhealthy addiction, how I love thee! + - + - + - + - + One more thing, for all of you people with spines out there. If you change your mind, I'm the first in line. Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. Take a chance take a chance take a chance take a chance. * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * Contributions to Grill (hahahaha) can be sent to: HEAD ASSHOLE: Quarex - Quarex@ilstu.edu, or Skull@ilstu.edu, or Drewcifer@ilstu.edu. . Any comments about their material can be sent to: ASSHOLE WHO GETS THINGS DONE: SwissPope - swisspope@respect.obscurity.net -- ASSHOLE WHO DOES NOT GET THINGS DONE: RottenZ - tomahawk@dave-world.net -- ASSHOLES: Ogre - jmbaker@odin.cmp.ilstu.edu Ghort - ghort@ice.net Spirit - spirit@dave-world.net (Or, you could complain about them to me, see if I care. . .) All material contained within this text file in its entirety is copyrighted. No part of it may be used in any other text file, archive, thing, thingy-ma-bobber, thingamajig, thingie-doo, bishop, bischoff, or bitch up [x-ref: smack my} without express-written consent of ME!! AND I AM QUAREX! ALL HAIL QUAREX! This, the 11th issue of GRILL, was finished around January 3, 1998. REPLACE THOSE UNSIGHTLY STRETCH MARKS WITH SCORCH MARKS. -------------------------------------------------------------------------