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O O "We conform to what we love" Original GRILL ascII by Swiss Pope This month's even-more-so-than-usual unreadable GRILL ascII by Quarex t h e o n e a n d o n l y . . . .xssssssssssssssx.____ __ __ .xssssx. .xxx/S$$$$$$$$ /`&SSS _ \| | |xxxxx/S$$$$$$$ xxxxxxxxxxxx. x... S$$$$$$$$...`/ / |.| = = |..... S$$$$$$$.!canis!.....x x... S$$$$$$$$.......| |.| | | |..... S$$$$$$$.............x x... S$$$$$$$$.......| ;.| | | |..... S$$$$$$$.............x x... S$$$$$$$$.......| --' | | |..... S$$$$$$$.............x x... S$$$$$$$$.......| | | |..... S$$$$$$$.............x x... S$$$$$$$$.../SSSSS \ | | |..... S$$$$$$$.............x x... S$$$$$$$S.../`SSSS | = = |____. S$$$$$$$.............x `&xx S$$$$$$$Ssssss$$$$ | | : | S$$$$$$SssssssSSS xx9' | `9&$$$$$$$$$$$$$9' _: _| _:. .. __| `&$$$$$$$$$$$$$9' `/________________/ `/_______________/ _______________ .$ $. |ARRRR! hand me | $$$$ $$ $S |one of yer | $$|$$$ S$ $S |sausages!! | s$$$(+)$$$$s S$$ $$S |______________ | $$$$$$$$$$$$ `S$//. .\\S' \\ `| /' |' `//$$$$$$$\\ XXXXXXXXXXX \\ | ## O | ./$$$$$$$$$$ X\ X \\|/' .. | d$$$$$ X X | __ | $%$$' | X X \________/ $$$$ O O| ____ X X vvvv $$$'X \ | | | X/ X .:XXXX:. $$$XXx | |||| xxxxxx~~xxX .%::XXXX::%. | Xx __ x |||| x/~~//oOOO/X$ XX:: :XXX \___XX.xx.x \ / x/oOOo~~///X$$ XXX: :XXX XXXXX' || x/////oOOo/X$$' XXX XXX / x XXXX || XXXXXXXXXXX$$$ XXX XXX | \ XXX .. $$$$$$$$$$$$$' XXX XXX | \ \ VV || `$$$$$$$$$$$' XXX____XXX ||;\ \____ __ \ / xx XX| ||__\ | | || | .----. | \______| =| || | `____' | \__| || | | | o | || || | | | |________| || ||_ | | | | \ \\ /ss\\ | | | |+++\_/+++| \\ |__|O| |___|__| | | \\____________________ / // / | | | | `__/__// | | | by odin's beard! | | | | the bratwurst is | | | | | done! | | | | |_____________________| |____|____| (this whole damn ascii by shadow tao) We're going to have as many ascii openers as we CAN FROM NOW ON! =-=-[AUGUST 22, 1996]-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= | | | CONTENTS OF ISSUE #? OF GRILL (the zine for Heretics): | | | | <1> 4 Werd | | <2> Lion's Share | | <3> Boy, do I like to Bake | | <4> Deadlines Suck | | <5> The Mall Cop | | <6> Thesis on the Greatest Debate Ever | | <7> The Quarex File | | <8> Theme Parks A-Go-Go | | <9> The Gods must be Lazy | | <10> Rant & Rave about Various Things | | | =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= () HERE IT COMES, THE FORWARD! () () By QUAREX, CHIEF W'Z'O OF THE W'TOOS' () Hey there folks, it's Martini time. Unlike the previous five issues, where the first thing I did was the introduction, I'm typing this less than two days before the issue is going to be released. I'm now an official college student (no applause necessary, really), and I must say that my worrying in High School that college was going to suck might well have been completely in vain. Although the days actually seem to last forever (which hasn't happened since grade school, for me), they're FUN while they last, unlike before, when they were short but fun. Maybe I'm just going insane! That'd explain so much. However, there is one major drawback facing all of this college mania--The fact that half of the people I've grown up with, always hung out with, and have nary a harsh thought of, are moving away. I know this is meant to happen, but why DOES it have to happen? Why can't chaining all of my friends to the walls of my basement be legal!? As long as I'm not talking about myself at all, I should start. A few very interesting things have happened in the last few weeks of my life. First of all, I was pushed into the lake by Laura's house (you all know who Laura is, and you ALL know about her lake, don't even TRY to say you don't). I was swimming with Laura at the time, it's not like she just pushed me in for no reason. I was on that pier in the middle. You know, guys, the one we used to go on last year!? YOU KNOW! DON'T EVEN TRY TO SAY THAT YOU DON'T REMEMBER THE PIER! ANYWAY, getting back to the story. While I was sitting naked (save a towel) in her house, waiting for my pants and underwear to dry off, my left ear suddenly popped, and I could hear again for the first time since I was 5. You see, my hearing in my left ear had been muffled for 13 years, and suddenly, it seemed crystal clear again. Needless to say, this pleased me to no end, and I celebrated in any way I could think of. Moving on, I saw Dead Man Walking a few weeks later, and realized that this movie even blows away Braveheart and Powder for absolute depression value. Wow, that's definitely my new favorite movie. See, this is a big deal for me, because I find it so hard to feel that kind of emotion, so when it happens, I celebrate (ironic, no? ;>). Then, I actually cried a couple days ago when I was talking to Barb (she's crushing rejection #2 for those of you keeping tabs at home) on the phone, because she said things that made me even more depressed than Dead Man Walking. And that's definitely saying something :) Yes, that's right, Quarex just told everyone that reads Grill that HE HAS CRIED BEFORE. That's because I don't keep anything from anyone, except my problem with bed wetting. Oops. Now I guess that's not my secret anymore, is it? To wrap this up, I went to the doctor yesterday, and to make a long story short, he sucked about eight metric tons of wax out of my ear which had apparently been stuck there since 1983 due to a freak q-tip accident, and even made my right ear significantly better. Then, I went home, turned on my stereo to its usual volume, and my ears almost started BLEEDING! IT WAS SO FUCKING LOUD! MY GOD! AAAAUGH! Really, hearing loss is not a laughing matter (HAHAHAHA! FUCK YOU!), so if *YOU* are having any hearing troubles, be sure to head to your doctor now, because it could easily be just as stupid as my condition was :) That's about it for the introduction. Oh wait, the topic. This issue's topic was the word "PLANT", and anything anyone could come up with to do with it. But, I don't think anyone stuck to the topic, which is fine with me :) It's been a week since I did the rest of this introduction, so I'll throw in a few more random liner notes. I think I already explained that I don't hate women anymore, so that's no big news. But, who knew that TAO has the Skull Ring of Misogyny? I felt that he truly deserved it, as he's had much worse luck than I have. After hearing his stories, I felt that my right to complain was completely nullified, because I've had it so relatively good :) Here's another shocker: Spirit, who has been a close friend of most of the Grill staff for four years (he was even involved in the Grill #3 event, which took place in the cemetary), has written an article. More surprsing that that, though, is the fact that HE HAS NEVER READ GRILL BEFORE!!!!! Can you believe it? He calls my BBS every day and has never even looked at Grill! Oh well. ~~~ FIN *** *** Written by: Hrothgar *** LION'S SHARE! Okay.. first off, I would like to point out that this grill article was not my idea. In fact, it was brought upon by the influences of Swiss Pope and Ghort. After watching the Lion King one more time at my house, and commenting on all aspects of it, they convinced me to actually write an article. Okay, so this is what this article is going to be about. Had the cartoon characters acted actually like real-life lions, instead of Disney lions, things would have been very..very different. So, let me just add my analysis to liven things up. (aren't you excited?). We are going to start this out by going from the begining of the movie, to the end. Stating what would have happened with each aspect and decision that was made by each character... (or close to it). Trust me, I will try to make it as exciting as possible.. although I don't know how I am going to do that :) Part 1 - The Birth of Simba Okay, first off.. and I think that is the most obvious. Why in the hell would a bunch of different species of animals go an gather around to watch the birth of their future killer? OKay.. that was a rather blanant observation. Another interesting aspect is the fact that there was only one lioncub born from Sarabi (For all of you who don't know who Sarabi is (BURN IN HELL IF YOU DON'T!!!) She is Simba's mother). in a 'normal' lion society, up to 6 cubs are born in each litter. Part 2 - Simba's Childhood This starts off with Simba going to the peek of Pride Rock, sniffing the air and running back to his dad, because he wants to go watch the sunrise ontop of the big moutain that they live in. Now.. let me just set something straight right now.. True, in lion society, the male lion does do a little big of babysitting.. but it is usually left for the female lion. You know, to raise the young, do all the work, be sumbissive under the dominant male. Well, usually the male lion wouldn't give two shits about this little runt that is banging against his head while he is sleeping. In fact, he probably would have just opened his mouth, and eaten little Simba whole. So, we have now stated that the male lion doesn't do anything with the pride other then sleep, get all the food, and order the woman around. Oh, yeah, and get all the sex. (Quarex? You liking this yet?) (EDITOR'S NOTE: I think men that use women for sex are the scum of society and should all be killed. And, although I do think that men should be able to just sleep and eat their lives away, I do not think women should have to be their slaves. ;>) (Editor's OTHER note: Oh yeah, I stopped hating women since the last issue of Grill. I'll always resent the fact that I can't get a date to save my life, but I won't hate them for it ;>) As the movie continues, several different things happen. Like good old Simba learning about the Circle of Life, about greed and wanting to become a king right now, and getting into trouble with the hyena's. I think that learning about the Circle of Life is pretty self explainatory. However, Disney actually did do a correct interuptation of it. You see.. Lions only kill the week, sick and old prey. To let the strong survive. In fact, most predators do that. I would now like to make the assumtion that Disney is racist. Okay, lets take a look at these hyena's.. first off, not only are 2 out of 3 of the mane (ha ha) hyena's done by a black woman, and a hispanic man, they are also brought out to be basically slaves to the 'brother' lion, Scar. You see.. Scar is the white dominant male, that is trying to take control of the gang. And of course, the hyena's (being of other ethnic origins) are too stupid to understand what is going on.. until the end. That is when the 'brothers' (hyena's) come together to kill off the white boy. You see. This is EXACTLY what Disney wants everyone to believe, ESPECIALLY the kids. Disney OWNS KIDS! How many kids do you know that doesn't either a) own some sort of disney clothing article b) own some sort of Disney paraphenelia or c) get excited everytime a new Disney movie comes out.. as in, get so excited, that if they don't see it the opening day, they start to mob and terrorize the innocents of downtown Normal. You see.. Disney is teaching kids exactly what they want the world to be like in 20 or so years.. full of white supremists and dominants. Disney takes over the kids soul.. pulling them into these movies, and through subtle hints (like the hyena's) and shape their way of thinking to that which they please. Disney will rule the world someday.. and all that dispise and distest it will be slaughtered at the town square of every major city, like pigs and cows. What will be left, is the perfect Disney Utopia.. happy people singing about their life experiences all the time. One of the other clear aspects of this movie is the fact that the Males play the dominant role of the pride. The females play the subservant, sumbissive, and workaholics. In lion society, the females do all the hunting, raise the kids, do whatever the male lion wants them to do, encluding sex a dozen times a day, when they are in heat. The male lion sits around all day, picking his ass, sleeping and basically making sure all the females are doing what they are supposed to be doing. When dinner time comes around, the male lion gets to be the first to eat, and only him. Then, when he is finally done with his portion, he will let the others have their food. Now, Disney choose lions to be the basic animal in this movie for that very reason. They want kids to grow up living like this. If the child is female, then she will learn to be a servant to the man, doing whatever he wishes. If the child is male, he will learn to take control of the female. And not only just one.. no, the male gets as many woman as he wants. In fact, he could have up to 30 woman, and it would be alright. In fact, not only alright, but it would be looked upon like you would be a great family, with much political power. Part 3 - Simba grows up Now, this is a time that is probably the most interesting. First off, to get this off my chest. There would be NO FUCKING WAY THAT A LION, WHICH WEIGHTS UP TO 400 POUNDS, COULD LIVE OFF OF INSECTS! Okay, now that that is out of the way, lets get to the fun stuff. This is said to be Simba's homosexual lifestyle. You see, Simba went through 3 changes in his life. From asexual when he was young, homosexual when he was growing up (since his only friends were male, he had to relieve his sexual urges some way) and heterosexual when he finally meets up with Nala again (female! WOOF!) So, you see.. Simba didn't leave the ordinary life. In fact, that is why he was so nice to everyone for awhile. Until he learned that he can control who ever he wants, he didn't know the taste of power. But, he soon came to that realization.. he soon found his way as the King. Some other aspects that Disney incorperated into this film was that Hippies are BAD! In two instances this was shown. When Simba finally met up with Nala one more time, he and her started into the "Can you feel the love tonight" song. Now, during this song, he leaped into the pool of water, and dragged Nala in with him. When he emerged from the pool, he was dripping wet, his hair down and clung to the side of his face. Definitly hippie quality. Now, what did Nala do when she saw him looking like this? So unkept and different? She pushed him back into the pool of water! Don't you see??? Disney rules you! Part 4 - Simba returns home. This is one of the most interesting parts of the movie. Now, some may ask.. why did Scar keep those hyena's around the whole time when he was in control of the pride? It seems pretty illogical.. I mean, you have to get rid of those pesky ethnics. WEll, Scar was smart.. for awhile. He knew that if he was in control of the hyena's, then that would only back up his power that much more. I mean, what lioness would try to do anything against him when he has hundreds of underlings ready to cut their own throats for him? So, you see.. Scar was the ideal man.. for awhile. He made a cructial mistake. A mistake that Disney is trying to warn the young boys, by showing Scar's down fall. You see, you can order around those hyena's as much as you want, because they don't have the brains enough to understand what your true intentions are. But never, and I say NEVER, say that that is what you are doing. YOu see, Scar blamed everything on the hyena's when Simba came back to reclaim his throne. And of course, one of the 'brothers' heard this.. and it finally clicked into there little pea sized brains that they have been had. And since dumb people only know one type of revenge, they killed Scar. So kids, learn from his vital mistake.. and you two can become a white supremists and learn to control all unlike you, and live. Finally, the last part of this movie just backs up with Disney's theme. That male's rule, female's serve. Simba retakes the Pride Lands, and because he beat Scar in a test of brutal strength, he has won the females over.. so much in fact, that they will do whatever he wishes. In fact, this is so strong, that his own mother is right in there with the misted of them. You see, Disney is also saying that incest is good... but that is another story. So, all you have to do is watch many Disney movies, take notes, and incorpate what they teach, and you too can have ultimate power. BUT! Be warned.. if you resist Disney.. one day.. you will be killed for you disobiedence. ===========================Disclaimer======================================= This article is just for fun. My friends know this, and am sure they are getting a huge laugh out of it.. but for all of you that don't know me: I am not racist, and I am not a chauvinist pig. But, I do believe that Disney will rule the world one day.. after all, they own every kids soul. (ED. ANECDOTE) SURE, ERIK, SURE! ...F i n>>> *** Written by: ReQuiem *** Boy, Do I Like To Bake by ReQuiem Boy, do I like to bake. e00 FIN 00e *** By: Swiss Pope *** DEADLINES SUCK it's 11:53 p.m. and I still have 7 minutes to write a grill article and i'm going to do it and you fuckers can't no nothing to stop me!! ok pick a topic, pope. ABORTiON! NO! I don't have my contacts in and I ate some really bad spaghetti so I think i'm going to die. Feel my wrath. BAD SPAGHETTI: The Recipe 8 lbs of lemon juice 12 fluid ounces of leather 14.23 (ACK! I randomly hit 23! My keyboard is going to fry for this one..) cups of Robot Brains Pour lemon juice on leather. Watch it boil. Combine leather and Robot Brains. Watch it animate itself. RUN FOR DEAR LIFE. I think I'm just going to write a story. One time there was a village in the deep woods of Rumania. There was a little alchemist's shop in this here village and in the shop worked a teenager who had lots of hairy pimples. The kids used to call him Teen Wolf, and this was might a coicidence because the movie Teen Wolf (starring Michael J Fox) was never released in Rumania. Oh yeah, one time the pimply faced kid was helping his alchemist make some sort of weird potion from the legs of crustaceans. The alchemist said to him, "This potion will protect our villagers from the plague that is spreading the land." So Teen Wolf loaded up his six shooter and popped a cap in the alchemist's leg. Why? Well, just to be cool. Oh by the way, everybody in the village DIED because the PLAGUE killed them all. FUCK YOU RUMANIA. HAHAHHAAHA. (Editor's Note: This grill article was uploaded to my board, then quickly deleted, by Swiss Pope. Much to his dismay, I undeleted it and added it in as a SECRET BONUS ;>) *** FIN ))) *** Written by: Spirit *** The Mall Cop ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A short comic sketch by Mike Butler Characters ~~~~~~~~~~ Steve - Rookie mall cop Frank - Experienced mall cop Boy - Lost kid in the mall Instructor - Mall cop training class teacher Slorg - Hunchback AT RISE: FRANK and STEVE, two mall cops, are walking through a shopping mall while on duty. Busy mall atmosphere and cheesy mall music can be heard. STEVE: It's been pretty slow so far. We haven't done anything yet but walk around. FRANK: Patience, patience, rookie. The life of a mall security guard is not all that it seems. Any minute now the citizens of this mall will run into trouble, and we shall be the ones who will handle it. After a while you'll understand how great of a life this is. This is power! We are the determining force of this shopping mall. You and I are in control. That's very important, so never forget it. STEVE nods his head attentively. FRANK: Uh-oh. Looks like we have trouble. The camera cuts to a scene of a little lost boy wandering around looking for his parents and slowly becoming hysterical. After a short while the BOY begins to yell for his mom and wander back and forth hurried and aimlessly. FRANK: Ok, let's move in. After FRANK speaks, he suddenly stops himself and looks over to the left. He sees two kids stealing a magazine from a magazine stand. FRANK: Jesus! Did you see that! Shoplifters! Rookie, go and handle that lost kid. I'll go take care of those little thieves. STEVE: (slightly hysterical) Wa..Wait a minute. I don't remember everything from my training about handling lost children. I can hardly remember a thing. What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do! FRANK: (very loud and commanding) Don't tense up! Just calmly walk over there and settle the kid down. It's really simple, just do what you would normally do, now go! FRANK runs off. STEVE approaches the BOY who is very upset and crying. STEVE: Uhhh.. Hi. I'm Steve. I'm here to help you out, ok? The BOY doesn't pay any attention to Steve and keeps crying. STEVE: Oh god... Gotta think back to training. What did that guy say during training!? With nifty flashback effects the viewer is transported to a class room with STEVE sitting at a desk in the back of the room looking bored and very tired. An INSTRUCTOR is at a podium in the front of the class room. INSTRUCTOR: (very dully and slow) In the case of a lost child, the first step is to simply ask the child for his or her name. Now back at the mall scene. STEVE: Yes! That's it! (to the boy) What is your name, little boy? The BOY still doesn't pay any attention to STEVE and continues to cry. STEVE: Would you please tell me your name? Come on... please? The BOY continues to cry. STEVE: Jesse! There must be something else! Gotta think! Once again we enter a flashback of STEVE's mall cop training class. INSTRUCTOR: If the child... (continues talking dully) While the instructor is speaking, STEVE is seen falling asleep. The camera pans over to the clock in the room and 45 minutes pass instantly. The camera pans back to STEVE who is now seen waking up from a puddle of drool. The INSTRUCTOR is still speaking. INSTRUCTOR: (very dully) So, in a case where you have absolutely no other options, you may have to resort to using your hand gun. The scene changes instantly to STEVE shooting the BOY. The sound of a body hitting the floor is heard. STEVE pauses for a few seconds with the gun in his hand. STEVE: Wa...Wait! That wasn't good! Ah God! Now the kid's dead! What the hell was I thinking!? (begins to sob slightly) Enter SLORG. SLORG approaches STEVE and pats him on the shoulder. STEVE is still sobbing. SLORG: (In a very strange, deep, crackled voice) Good job. SLORG stuffs the BOY into a large bag and exits. Enter FRANK. FRANK: Well, I see that you took care of the situation here. Did you find the boy's parents. STEVE: (frantic) No! I tried to remember what to do, and I shot him! What have I done!? I'm a failure! I knew I wasn't cut out for this job! (continues to sob) FRANK: (reassuring) Hey! It's all right. Those training classes are so confusing anyway. Why, when I started here, I shot twelve kids before I realized that it was all right for people to leave the mall. Why don't you go cool down and take a little coffee break? You'll feel better in say seventeen minutes or so. What do you say? STEVE: Uh.. all right. FRANK: (still reassuring) There you go! Don't worry. Just get yourself back on track. Get at it, tiger. STEVE exits. A few seconds go by and SLORG re-enters. SLORG: (strange voice once again) We got him good, eh? FRANK: (laughs) Yeah. Haha... ahhh.. those rookies, when will they ever learn? (pats SLORG on the back) Hey, let's go get something to eat. SLORG: (strange voice) Sound good to me. SLORG and FRANK walk off. .,. fin .,. *** Written by: ReQuiem *** Thesis on The Greatest Debate Ever The debate has raged for years; many wars have been fought over it, many lives, wasted in battles that are created out of the need for two sub-cultures to have the answers about their technology, and in turn, answers about themselves, about their very exsistance. There is much at stake in the answer to such a question, and, indeed, it is a lofty task to answer it, when knowing that there is so much at stake. One group of people will be raised triumphant and one group of people will be mired in much pain and sadness. Still, as an objective observer, I feel it is my duty to attempt to work this great question out. The question, of course, is this. In a battle in space, which would win, the Death Star or the Borg cube. Many disagreements have ended in bloodshed on this, and I do fear for my life apon the completion of this document, but what must be done, must be done. The Death Star and Borg cube are both major technicological achievements in their own rights, and if you put these two behemoths together, you are going to certainly get an impressive battle. Yet if you dig under the surface of the problem, the answer is staggeringly clear. First and formost, you must establish some basic ground rules. One long standing argument is that the Death Star would automatically win, since George Lucas owns both franchises, which is more or less true. However, to assert that as an argument is foolish and oversimplistic at best. If you are going to give reality to two things, you cannot include this portion of the argument and be taken seriously. It can be assumed that, if they did meet in some battlefield created by a computer animator, either one could win. George Lucas is not some omnipotent figure standing over the shoulders of every person in the world. Even I could make a paper mache model of both the Death Star and Borg cube and have either one win. So reality cannot enter into it. This battle must take place in its own reality. And what reality? There is another longstanding argument that says the battle would really depend on what universe it was taking place in, the options being the Star Wars universe or Star Trek universe, of course. I assert that from the text and dialog of both series, you can determine that they both actually take place in the very same universe. The only seperation between the two is time and space, hence "a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...". I also assert that the force exsists in the Star Trek world, except they have not learned to tap this extremely intense aspect of the universe. So now we get to the battle. Just assume that the Borg cube and the Death Star both inadvertantly slip into giant worm holes, that send them through space and time, to meet in a nuetral site in the middle of the vast blackness of space. Assume that there are no other imperial or borgish forces in the area, or indeed, even in the time. Assume that automatically the two forces know they are enemies. Well, of course, the Borg aren't anyone's enemy, but assume that they know they must fight. That may seem alot to assume, but really it is inferred anyway in the logic of the situation. Of course, the Death Star, being the size of a small moon, would dwarf the Borg cube. One would automatically assume, as I did apon first examination, that the sheer mass of the Death Star would overwhelm the cube. Also, the Death Star can blow up a planet with its mighty laser. Even though the Borg cube's amazing adaptability could stand the shot after the first blast, the first blast would be enough, right? I do not believe this to be the case. First off, there is the obvious. The empire would not just try to use its greatest weapon on this weak little cube. It would send out small forces of tie-fighters to engage the enemy. The cube would, of course, tear these pitiful things up, and adapt to the blasts immediately. Here is the question, though. Can it be inferred that all laser blasts in the Star Wars Universe act on the same basic principles? If it can be, then the Borg cube has ALREADY adapted to the blast, however powerful, that the Death Star can produce. So the Borg cube would be able to eventually wear the Death Star down, find it's weak point, and destroy it. However, some would argue that the principles of lasers are not the same, or that the blast would still be powerful enough to destroy the Borg cube anyway. I will give these people the binefit of the doubt. So lets say that the Borg cube has no way to defend itself if the Death Star was able to lock on with its blast. There are several reasons why that couldn't work. The Borg cube is fast. Damn fast. It is able to zip around and change direction at will. The Death Star would have a tough time locking on, one might even say an impossible time. If it did, the Borg cube could hit warp before the Death Star had a chance to fire. The Death Star's manuvering abilities are highly suspect, as it could not move with any great speed into a reasonable position to fire at the rebel base in Star Wars. And it certainly could not fire the big weapon at something directly behind it, which the Borg cube would certainly figure out. Why? Because of another advantage that the Borg have. Transporters are not a device realized in the time of Star Wars, and they would be a major advantage to the Borg. All they would have to do is beam to the Death Star, take an engineer who had knowledge of how the Star is constructed, and they have all the tech specs they need, almost instantly. They can take this engineer and warp out of the sector. The Death Star could not catch it. Even if it could hit light speed (and I am giving the Death Star the binefit of the doubt, I don't think it could reach that speed.), warp one is one and one half TIMES the speed of light. We know that the Borg cube can go much faster than that. So bingo, Borg cube becomes immune to all attacks, and learns how to weaken the Death Star enough to cripple it (they wouldn't destroy it unless they really needed to, because of course they would have to make more Borg). And look at all of the storm trooper fodder they have. Soon, they would overwhelm the planet swallowing station. Oh, but what of the force, you say? What of it? The force, while a powerful carnation, is not so powerful that you could throw the Borg cube off. The Borg would not register with the force, and thusly the ones with the power of the force would not assume them to be a major threat. Once the Borg took someone with even limited knowledge of the force, they would know enough to use it. And they would be able to use it much more effeciently than normal humans. That is when the Borg would become the ultimate power. So, as you can see, it is as plain as day that the Borg, despite the size they are giving up, would have several distinct advantages over the Death Star. Indeed, it would be mighty to witness, but basic logic dictates that the Borg must win. To dispute this is to be foolhardy. Hell, I do perfer the Star Wars stories over Star Trek, and even I have conceeded that it was so. Thus concludes the debate. Gentlemen, bring your lightsabers on... ^^^ FI/\/ &^^ *** Written by: Quarex *** A GUIDE TO PLANTS OR: THE QUAREX FILE, VOLUME U! Since this issue's topic is plants, and the fucking cricket in my basement won't stop chirping, I think I'll go to the bathroom and then to sleep before I even start on this article. Okay. It's now two days later, and I wish I had started this earlier. Here's a quick, yet concise, guide to spotting interesting plants in the wilderness. If you're ever lost in a forest, just whip out your trusty laptop and print this zine out, then you'll be able to eat safely for days. Of course, you'll still die eventually, but this will postpone it. 1> THE SPINABIFADA ROSARY If consumed, this plant will make you cough up random bodily fluids for three hours straight, ending with a final spasm. 2> JESUS This is not a plant, this is a religious figure. If you find it growing somewhere, contact the nearest church. 3> POISON IVY Drew Barrymore was not very funny in this movie, really. 4> FUCK THE LIST OF PLANTS That's it, I'm changing the topic of this issue RIGHT NOW. It's now going to be. . whipping horses asses! I think I'll write my own short play. Actually, I did that in the last issue, so I won't. Let's create alternate lyrics to the Anal Morisette song "Fun with Chicken" In this month's Quarex File, I'm actually going to talk about how much I love women. No I'm not. However, let it be known that I *HAVE* done a complete 180ø on my standpoint with women (this is thanks entirely to Glynis. Stand up and be recognized, Glynis). But, that's all I'll say about this until next issue. . mwahahaha OKAY! What I'm *REALLY* going to talk about is what the fuck is wrong with my nose. There once was a girl from Normal She thought her hair was informal You eat my fucking cock you whore oh wait, that's not a limerikcklihj K Okay. Fuck this non-funny shit. I'm going to come up with something so absolutely hilarious that everyone who reads it is going to pass out from lack of air. AARON FOWLES! That's only funny if you know who he is, I suppose. I'll try again. I've just realized something. . I'm only extremely funny if I'm being a really cynical bastard. Since I've been "pleased as punch" for the last week, my comedic ability has dropped way down. Maybe if I *PRETEND* to be mad. . I FUCKING HATE WOMEN! THE ONLY GOOD WOMAN IS A DEAD WOMAN! IF WOMEN WERE BOWLING PINS, THEN I'D BE A MOTHER FUCKING NUCLEAR BOMB! Nope. Still not even reasonably funny. I'll turn to my old standby: Parodies of TV shows. ANNOUNCING ESPN'S NEW CHANNEL, ESPN942 Scheduled programming for the first week includes: 07:00: Beginning of broadcast day. Singing of National Anthem by the entire 1962 Djibouti Basketball team. 07:30: Richard Simmons warm-up. Watch as lots of fat people beat the fuck out of Richard Simmons. 08:00: Hyper Dune Buggy racing. Billy Joe Hasafadnassi and the rest of the Arabian Antagonists try to unseat the current champion, Alabukkahskahskaher. 08:30: World's Best Skiing Accidents. Tune in for hilarity with such memorable mishaps as the "Bjorn Peterson being devoured by pygmies" episode, the "Hey! Where did the land go?" horror, or the infamous "Hit the ground with a head full of buckshot!" loss. 09:00: Chant along with the Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo. Watch as some of the world's most famous singers try to match the vocal quality of a stereotypical monk. Any who are deemed inadequate are tossed into a vat of wine and turned into very vintage performers indeed (har har). 09:30: Hydrophobia. Watch as we toss babies into freezing water and let them drown, then make "ice statues" out of their bloated corpses. 10:00: Hydrophobia Court. Watch the action unfold as we get sued! 10:30: Olympic-class Danish accent imitation. Watch some of the world's greatest impersonators (including Pierre Wendell, the French underdog) try to make themselves sound like Danes. 11:00: Living in Sin. Jackie-Joyner Kersee sucks a mean cock. 11:30: Tumult in Thebes. Re-enactments of the Thebian riots of circa 2000 BC. Watch the gore unfold with such sports celebrities as Wyatt Earp, Mario Andretti, and "Pokey" Sebastian Bach. 12:00: A recollection of things destroyed. We blow shit up. 12:30: Metallica. 01:00: The Hunt for Red Lobster. ESPN staffers dress up like Manatees, swim around Cape Cod, and try to find couples making out in caves. 01:30: Candid Camcorder. Our wacky team of race car drivers goes on hair-raising adventures with camcorders strapped to their heads to capture the action! This week, Lou Ferrigno drives his Lambourghini into a mall, killing an entire boy scout troupe! 02:00: Grrrrrr! Our professional high-pain-tolerance team wanders around the countryside with meat strapped to their chests, finding out where the line between Man and Dog's friendship truly stands. 02:30: The Old Man in the Sea. Sequel to "Hydrophobia". 03:00: Juvenile Javelins. Our crack team of Javelin tossers raids yearbook classes at various High Schools. 03:30: Bullet-Proof Nanny. We send a Kevlar-Clad Mother Teresa into the "HOOD" to supervise random children on the street. 04:00: Quake Tournament. We just neeeded to cash in on some hype. 04:30: Super Mario 64 unleashed. We needed more hype. 05:00: Ken's Labyrinth explained. Learn all the secrets of this classic action game through the help of Randy Quaid. 05:30: +++ATH0. Our nerd-oriented show, this program shows the applications of modem commands in real life, for things like Dowsing, Bull Terriers, and The Crow: City of Angels. 06:00: Super Mario Kart re-enactment. We borrow a few tanks from the U.S. Government and run down every single man, woman, or child we find. 06:30: Blood Orgy Wheel. Self-explanatory game show. 07:00: Twelve hours of Rosie Perez. ((( FIN ))) *** Written by: Swiss Pope *** ::Theme Parks A-Go-Go:: Not too long ago, we [The Grill Staff] and our friends took a day out of our busy schedules (you know-- volunteer work in soup kitchens, donating blood, putting out forest fires, etc.) to visit the nearest amusement park. Our park of choice: Six Flags over Great America, located in sunny Gurnee, Illinois (near Chicago). Now I could give you a general rundown of what happened on the trip, but you probably wouldn't be interested. I could tell you about Quarex's misadventures with his parents, Hrothgar's experience trying to get the truckers on the highway to acknowledge his existence using a CB radio, Hitchcock's failed attempts to "sack" Glynis in the back of the van, or the dice game played between me, Spirit, and Hrothgar called "Summon The Devil". Not today, folks. Instead, I would like to give a bit of a commentary on just what the phrase "theme park" means to me. It's easy to conjure up images when someone brings up the topic of theme parks. You can round up any group of retarded children, ask them to describe a theme park, and they will tell you-- roller coasters, stunt shows, cotton candy. But is everything related to an amusement park as candy-coated as a Six Flags advertisement you'd see on the television? No, there are certain subtle unpleasantries about a Six Flags theme park that make you want to write a letter to amusement park owners in an attempt to improve the state of the theme park industry. As I begin, I would like to examine the word "theme park" in itself. Do Great America actually have a "theme"? Perhaps they would like to think so when they divide parts of the park into "The Old Southwest", "Space-Land", or "Yukon Territory", giving the park as much character as a Lego playset from 1984 (you know, back when they only had the Space, Town, and Castle sets-- before Blacktron, Pirate, Robin Hood, Black Plague, Inner City, Nuclear Wasteland, and other highly priced extension sets). Let's take for example, the "The Old Southwest" division of Great America, which is new for 1996. The park gutted out part of the parking lot and erected a bunch of pseudo-adobe structures to accommodate this new section. One might expect to find lots of thrilling rides relating to the Old West. I could think of a few right now that might be promising, such as "Railroad Into The Bowels of Hell", "Blazing Prairie Grass", "The Jaws of Hell", and "Man-Eating Pony Express". It's unfortunate that Six Flags can't put up exciting rides. I counted a total of three rides in the Old Southwest area. * The Wagon Narrowly escape death as you ride in a covered wagon around in giant vertical circle. Oooooh. I think the highlight of this ride was the kid who sat next to Spirit and kept asking him if his testicles hurt. * The Canoe The ride in which you get in a giant canoe that swings back and forth at about 180 degree rotations. A giant canoe?!? Perhaps this ride could be a tad bit more realistic if the canoe were wobbly or at a certain point in the ride water came pouring out of little faucets, flooding the interior of the canoe. But noooooo, this ride is just a rehash of the "Yankee Clipper" and "The Buccanneer" type rides seen at other parks. * The Viper This roller coaster was actually kind of fun, because it had a wooden frame, you didn't have to wear five different types of safety belts, and it lasted for more than 0.39 nanoseconds (unlike the Batman ride). The downside to this coaster is that the track was built so that if you hold your arms up in certain places (so everyone can show that they are man enough not to hold on to the bar), they will get chopped off by low, hanging rafters. I suppose it is not the rides themselves that bothered me so much as the other crap that complement the rides. For every ride at Six Flags, there are about 2 crappy special events shows (designed for old people who would probably kill for a chance to be in the studio audience of Wheel of Fortune), 5 t-shirt and related crap vendors, and 8 eateries. The special event shows are hyped up while you are crammed in line, staring unattentively at one of the monitors that replays advertisements for Six Flags, unfunny repeats of Loony Toons cartoons, and Gloria Estefan videos. Now I haven't actually sat in to watch one of these stunt shows, but I can only imagine the half an hour of sheer blandness that is presented in these shows. I might be convinced to spend my time (that could be spent on a roller coaster) watching one of these shows if it were something titled "Skin The White Man". Yes, I might be convinced to sit on stiff bleachers 200 ft. away from the stage if the show went something like this: [Show Starts: Two Indians sit around a smokey campfire.] Indian #1: I will summon the Great Spirit, for it is time for us to avenge the invasion of our land, the rape of our women and children, and the hunting of our buffalo. Indian #2: Aye! (bumbles something in an Indian tongue) [A show of pyrotechnics-- A giant floating spectre rises from the campfire.] Giant Spectre: (to audience) Okay, folks. We need someone to volunteer to participate in the following stunt. It's kind of dangerous, because we are actually going to skin you, and you probably won't retain any of your flesh. The Audience: (gasps of people in shock) Giant Spectre: Oh come on, what were you expecting: Penn and Teller? So what will it be, people? Anybody feeling suicidal? [Some smart-assed 10-year old kid, wearing a Marilyn Manson t-shirt and puffing on an unfiltered cigarette, daringly approaches the stage. His friends, ranging from 11-year old girls with dyed-purple hair and White Zombie t-shirts to 12-year old guys with dyed-black hair and NIN t-shirts, scoff at the Great Spirit.] Giant Spectre: Let's give this guy a hand! What's your name, kid? [Bit of clapping from the audience, either in admiration of the kid's bravery or recognition of the kid's stupidity.] Kid: Huhuhhuhhuhuh, it's Trent. Giant Spectre: Well, we're gonna skin ya'. But first, the COLLIDING COVERED WAGONS! [Two covered wagons run at each other at 60mph, operated by robots that look like safety belt dummies. Explosives inside cause the wagons to turn into balls of fiery gas pending their collision. Bits of fragmented covered wagon fly into the laps of the spectators.] [Cheering from audience.] Well, the kid gets skinned, the parents sue, the theme park closes, and you get the picture. But at least you get to see a good stunt show. I'll leave the stunt shows alone for now and concentrate on the accelerated dumbness of adding new t-shirt/crap vendors that sell the exact same merchandise as any other store at Six Flags, but sells it in a store that looks like the Old Southwest. Really, though, is it worth building an authentic looking Alamo type of structure so you can sell airbrushed t-shirts that have such clever slogans on them as "I'm not just a bitch, I'm the *Queen*Bitch* of the _Bitch_People_" or "Four-card Canasta is Life"? I could not picture myself in the year 1876, roaming through the city streets of Albuquerque asking an old cowhand, "Hello. Can you direct me to the General Store? I would like to buy a `I'd Rather Be Fishing' fanny-pack." I could, however, picture the cowhand kicking me in the groin with his spurred boots. If the stupid merchandising in "theme parks" is not something to complain about, the price of food is. At Six Flags Great America, all of the food stands are operated by people from other countries. I guess Six Flags participates in some sort of "fast-food-employee" exchange program with other countries. I suppose this is so whenever someone gets duped into paying $7 for a plate of nachos, he or she can scream obscenities at the Rumanian guy behind the counter, and the guy won't take it personally. This is probably how Six Flags keeps a steady roster of employees that don't readily go insane from interacting with the ilk who grace those food counters daily. Whatever the case may be, I could get filthy-stinking-rich if I set up my own theme park. My proposed theme park idea, that actually sticks to theme: Land of Evil Consists of 4 Different Areas: * Inquisition World The area is devoted to rides that relate to classicist conceptions of evil. Take for example, a giant ride called "Dante's Inferno" that is just a roller coaster spiralling downward in a cone-like fashion. The tram cars have temperature control, so depending on which level of sin you happen to be riding through, your seat temperature ranges from blistering hot or frost-biting cold. The ride ends when your tram car runs through one of the heads of Lucifer and you are chewed up and spit out at the entrance of the ride. Food for sale in this area might be "Adam's Apple", "Emporer Nero's Buffet", "Loki's Liver", or the bad dates that Indiana Jones almost ate in Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you line jump, use profanity, or wear a `Big Johnson' shirt in this area, you are fed to the lions in the "Torture the Christians" stunt show, held in an authentic looking Roman Colloseum. * The Pentagon This area is almost entirely indoors, in a building that is modelled after the U.S. government's Pentagon. (The roof is painted red so, when viewed from the Ferris Wheel of Fallen Archangels, the building looks like an upside-down pentagram). Before one enters the building, he is equipped with a laser tag type of gun and a sensor is placed on his body. The rooms of the building resemble Quake levels and the player must use his taser to destroy the most maniacal of all politicians, corporate CEOs, and other white-collar perpetuators of corruption. Player wins when he jumps out of five-story window when the moderator shouts "STOCK MARKET CRASHES" on the intercom. * Seven Deadly Sins This area is like a giant Chuck E. Cheese playland, imitating all of the evils of childhood. Gluttony Area: A giant buffet where one can eat pizza until he bursts. Greed Area: A mechanical mouse that vomits tokens from its mouth. Sloth Area: Place where parents can relax and watch second-rate mechanical puppets perform on a stage. Wrath Area: Padded room where one can beat the shit out of others with a rubber bat. Also includes a vast ball pit where kids can be asphyxiated by their friends. Pride Area: Video arcade where you cannot leave until you reach the top score. Envy Area: "Purgatory" like waiting place where one must stand in a winding line of kids, watching through glass windows the fun that all of the others are having. Lust Area: Little mouse holes for children to play in and (kids being kids) play "doctor". * Masochism Chasms This area makes you do a lot of stuff that you normally would hate doing. Masochists, and others who find joy in inflicting pain upon themselves, will find this area to be a haven. There are no roller coasters here-- all of the rides are circular motion rides, because (to my knowledge) _everyone_ hates circular motion rides. Circular Motion Rides: Headache, Manic Depression Braintwister, Vein-slice Carnival Games: Whack-Your-Self, Friend-or-Phobia, Resolve-The-IRQ-Conflict T-Shirts, Bumper Sticker, and Keychain Slogans: "I Hate Myself and Want to Die", "Doctor Assisted Suicide is Life", and personalized death certificate t-shirts. Refreshing Drink: Syrup of Ipecac Milkshake Okay, okay, so maybe not too many people are into the whole "evil" theme for an amusement park. But the point is that at least it is an amusing idea, which Six Flags parks are not. Don't get me wrong, the rides are a blast, but they are going to call their park a "theme park", they'd might as well have some sort of theme. Thanx for reading. [[[ FIN ]]] *** Written by: ReQuiem *** The Gods Must Be Lazy Chapter One The cool night air rushed across Odin's frizzled, grey beard, sending whisps of smoke from the black russian that hung loosly from his lips down the street. He shifted from his standing position and leaned against the dim street light behind him. The light was the only beacon on an otherwise pitch city street. The darkness made Odin feel uncomfortable, as if somewhere out in the darkness, something was waiting for him. Something with long, curved teeth and a wicked sense of humor, a sense of humor that found twisted, mangled flesh quite funny. And indeed, there probably was. A long, black limo pulled up and slowed in front of Odin. Odin buried his hand in his leather trench coat, and pitched the butt of the cigarette into the gutter. The door to the limo opened up slowly in front of him, and he crawled into the car, with more than an ounce of hisitation. The cab seemed empty, so he scrunched down in the leather seat, and put his horned hat over his eyes. It wouldn't be long now. Not long at all... The phone rang. Odin perked up, and looked at it. It was green. Odin didn't like green things. They made him feel uncomfortable. This was no exception. He put his hat back over his eyes. The phone kept ringing. Odin kept ignoring it. The phone rang some more. Odin looked at it again. This time, the phone was red. Grumbling, Odin picked it up on the 53rd ring. "What?" he spat with as much vigor as the tired old god could muster. There was silence on the other end. "What!" Odin said, with a bit more vigor now, angered by the caller, who despite waiting the course of 53 rings, refused to say anything to him. "What!" he yelled finally. "Odin?" a quiet, whispy voice poured from the reciever, like a children's song, sounding just one note out of tune. Odin shuddered when he heard it. He was about to reset the phone in the cradle, when he realized the phone was stuck to his ear. Try as he might, he could not move it. "What the hell do YOU want, you digusting creature?" Odin spat, the frown on his face widening. "Why? Do you not LIKE TALKING to ME?" the voice said, piping up, now sounding like someone running their fingers across a chalkboard while defiling a goat. "Awwww, but I've BEEN trying TO REACH you for such a LONG, LONG time." "I'm hanging up the phone now..." Odin said, tapping into his vast cosmic power to detatch the phone from his ear. How sad that this was the most important thing he'd used it for in a long, long time. "The devil take you." "The DEVIL likes ME..." the voice spat, and the phone went dead, and then turned into a parking meter before dissapearing completely. Odin sighed. Loki was the very last thing he needed to deal with at this point in time. And what of that devil remark? What was that supposed to mean... Odin's train of thought was broken by a loud THUMP. He looked upwards to see the whole roof of the limo caving in. the horns on his helmet pierced the low cieling, and he suddenly found that he could not move. A hole in the middle of the roof poured open like it was liquid. A small figure wrapped in cloth oozed into the cab and sat in the seat opposite. Even though his face was completely covered, Odin had a pretty good grasp on who it was. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I am on my way to a very important meeting..." "YOu MEAN you WERE ON your way TO a very IMPORTANT meeting..." Loki said, giggling. "I took the liberty of changing course and adding my OWN driVER." Loki then pulled what looked like a severed head from his cloak, and threw it to Odin. Apon further investigation, Odin determined it WAS a severed head, that of presumably the driver of the limo. "SORRy... I don't SEEM to remember what I DID with the REST OF him..." Loki said this and belched loudly. "Oh wait. YES i do..." This was followed up by a wild, maniacle laughter. "Shiva isn't going to like this, Loki. I demand you release me this instant. As the ruler of our sect of gods, I demand it!" Loki pulled the cloak down over his head, revealing his slimy green face, with dark black hair that poured over his red eyes. "I've got some news for you, big boy..." Loki said, now in a hushed tone, poking Odin in the chest with long, boney fingers. "Your demands don't mean jack squat to me any more. I never answered to you, really. But now, I do answer to someone. And with any luck, you will too." "What madness is this?" Odin demanded. "Loki, you will release me this instant or I'll..." Loki put his finger to Odin's mouth, and suddenly it was covered with thick, slimy goo. "Silence is golden, old one..." Loki giggled. "Especially yours. But now you must have patience!" With this, Loki laughed and stood, looking out of the hole in the roof. "Armagedon approacheth! And you..." here he kicked odin squarely in the stomache. "You get to play a big fucking part!" *** Shiva sighed as he stole another glance out of the massive window of his penthouse office. He rubbed his temples and poured himself a drink and picked up the phone and scratched his head and turned off the TV and tapped his fingers on the desk. Thor shifted in his chair uneasily. Wheen is thes blessed meeeting gohing to start?" he asked impatiently. "You knoow I hate high buildings..." Apollo sighed heavily, adjusting the olive wreath on his head. "The thunder god, afraid of hieghts..." He said wearily. "That's norse mythology for you. If I had been afraid of hieghts, do you think they would have let me keep up my post as moon god? No, of course they wouldn't... Thor gripped his hammer angrily. "Youu taake that bache!" he demanded. "Or so heelp me, I'll smite you sometheeng feearce..." Shiva slammed all six hands onto his desk, causing it to shake wildly. "Gentlemen!" he yelled, demanding their attention. "Enough of this nonsense. We have more important matters to discuss." "Lieke what?" Thor said, a ferral glint in his eye. "What did youu call us heer for, Shiva. The gods rarly caull on eech othur for anyting." "I understand that, Thor, but in this case, I thought it might be best. Being the most powerful god right now, that is, the one with the most followers world wide, is a nasty affair. I've heard of dark rumors billowing under the skin of this world. Rumors of an uprising of darker nature. And now, this..." "Now what?" Apollo asked, leaning forward in his chair. "Odin..." Shiva said. At the mention of his father, Thor sat forward. "Odin has dissapeared..." "What trecheoree ees this!" Thor demanded. "What haeve you dun wit miy fater?" "I have done nothing, except perhaps been ill prepared for this situation. Regardless, news is that he has been taken, and I don't know by who, or for what reason." Shiva now spun around, His silken garbs floating lightly though the air. "I want you two to take word back to Olympis and Valhalla. Gather your forces, and keep in contact. I will send word to you. But go now, I am off to heaven." "He won't come see you, will he?" Apollo sighed. "Of course not. He's so full of himself. Love thy neighbor my ass..." Shiva turned to the window and looked out into the night again. "So do you think this could be it?" Apollo asked, getting up to leave. Thor, who was already at the door, turned to hear the answer. "Armageddon?" Shive sighed, placing each of his six palms to the glass in front of him. "I don't know. I just don't know. We can only pray that its not." "Pray? To who?" Apollo asked. "Good point." Shiva sighed, and then, he was gone. Apollo and Thor hurried quickly out into the darkness, to hurry home and warn others of the possible impending doom. TO BE CONTINUED ,., ><> FISH IN NUREMBURG <>< ,., *** Written by: Quarex *** RANT & RAVE ABOUT VARIOUS THINGS Time once again for an installment of QUAREX MAKES SHIT UP. * * * While trying to make up an impromptu pun the other day, to top Jamesy's truly awful patter in the "DTO-Van-Trip", I created the following: "What do you call ladies' undergarments made out of flora?" "Planties!" And my question is. . why the fuck does that make me laugh? * * * I've got a real problem with Taco Bell. Every single thing that they serve SHOULD taste the same as every other thing, yet it doesn't, for whatever the hell reason. How many different ways can you serve brown mung and pseudo-cheese, anyway? * * * Going back to my R. Kelly/Boyz ][ Men/D'Angelo rant from the last issue, I have another question to pose. Why is it that the only good car stereos I ever hear are ones that belong to the idiots who listen to this type of music? Why can't people listen to Isaac Hayes or Dark Throne on a $1000 speaker system, anyway? * * * People that cheat on their date/spouse/what have you should be gunned down. I cannot imagine how it would be POSSIBLE to be intimate with someone besides your currently/permanently chosen mate, let alone enjoyable. And, I've talked to enough people to know that I'm not the only person who feels this way. Maybe we should ask our resident adulterist. . :) * * * Why do I have 339 CDs? Why didn't I just stop when I had that little shoebox full of things like Megadeth, The Bambi Slam, Clutch, Overkill, and Depeche Mode? * * * Yearbooks are only truly fun if you're on the index staff and you get to fuck with everything a lot. * * * What's it called if you severely wound a huge african mammal? A HYPOCRITE!!! HAAHAHAHAHA * * * Let's quickly evaluate friction: Friction is the force which acts upon other objects to keep them from travelling in one direction forever. BOY, SOMEONE NEEDS TO APPLY SOME FRICTION TO JESSE HELMS! HA! ha. . oh god. * * * Why isn't there more good pirate metal in the USA?? The only pirate metal song I have right now is by a christian band called "Detritus", and it's the only song on the CD that classifies as pirate metal. "Running Wild", the european Pirate Metal band, has absolutely NO CDs printed in USA, ever. EVER! * * * If Wesley Willis can sell CDs, then so can I, dammit. * * * Q> What would Jessica Tandy be today if she had been born male? A> Still dead. * * * Have you ever taken the time to really look at certain product/company logos and try to figure out what the fuck they are? I thought the Arby's big cowboy hat was a claw coming out of the ground for 16, in complete honesty. I also thought that the little man on the "neighborhood watch" signs was an elephant until I was around 10. I know there's more, but it's 5 AM, my legs are born free, and my potpourri is almost ready. * * * ALF was a great show! * * * More puns. How did the papa bear feel after he devoured Goldilocks? Gladiator! * * * What are the little kids in china called? Euthanasia! * * * What happens when a man named DeLuise has sex with Connie Chung? Domination! * * * What do you see when you open your trunk and see a tire resting atop a wave-table sound card? Asparagus! * * * (By request from ReQuiem) What's the yearly meeting held for people whose body parts are falling off? Leprechaun! * * * (ReQuiem) What's the money you have to pay to get masked Street Fighter ][ characters out of jail? VAGABOND! AHHAHA * * * What's the sport called where Spanish kids run around trying to pick up "toros"? COLLECTABLE! AHAHAHAH * * * What if the saying that the bus driver from the Simpsons said a lot was the last part of the Leaning tower of Italy, sort of? OTTOMOTTOPISA! Hungry. Need to eat dinner. Stop writing Grill. * * * *F*I*N* =-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0=-0-= * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Submissions to Grill (hahahaha) can be sent to: amhunt@odin.cmp.ilstu.edu -- Quarex Any comments about their material can be sent to: pwinans@students.uiuc.edu -- Swiss Pope jmthomp@odin.cmp.ilstu.edu -- ReQuiem jmbaker@odin.cmp.ilstu.edu -- Ogre De Latoya mpackard@students.uiuc.edu -- Ghort edecker@students.uiuc.edu -- Hrothgar mpackard@students.uiuc.edu -- Obsidian mlbutler@spry.net -- Spirit MegaMeg@wow.com -- Megan. HAHA! pwhite@Dave-world.net -- Glynis :) (or, you could complain about them to me, see if I care. . .) All material contained within this text file in its entirety is copyrighted. No part of it may be used in any other text file, archive, book, novel, juxtaposition, jumping jackson, jumping jack flash, jumping flash, jumping jacking flashing fuck you, jacking the jump jack jumping fuck jack, jumping jumpking pumpkin jumpin jack hahaha fuck you without EXPRESS SOMETHING CONSENT OF QUAREX! AND I AM QUAREX! ALL HAIL QUAREX! The sixth issue of GRILL was completed sometime around August 30, 1996 I'm screaming in digitalabama! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------